Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Friday, January 20, 2012
from England to Austria... from a river to the mountains
the last time i wrote to you i was still in Henley-on-Thames, England. Now i am in Katschberg"-on-Katschberg", Austria. :) another suitcase, another city, another country - VERY different scenery. I went from a small town on the river Thames to an even smaller village in the Austrian Alps.
Inbetween I got to spent a few months at home. And once again I've come to realize that as much as I love my hometown, seeing my family, friends...- it is just not my home anymore. I have to say it feels quite strange no matter how many times I make that discovery.
I guess, what just amplifies it is that I have yet to find a new 'home'. I sometimes say "the world is my home" which I guess is true in sense and dont get me wrong I do love it! It's just that from time to time it would be nice to have a nest to fly back to... if you get my gist. And I have to say that I have developed quite an aversion to suitcases :)
Apart from that I am doing quite well actually. Piece by little piece I am learning to make peace with the fact that I don't know when I'll be able to rejoin missions - if ever. The last 16 months or so have been some of the hardest I can remember - ever since I realized that I wasn't going back to Orlando as expected and instead ended up leaving missions completely.
It really broke me and I do mean all of me. My sense of self, who I am in God, my mission & my vision, my calling & future.It even seemed to make a mockery of (my) life so far.... it made me question my identity in God, made me doubt whether I really knew him, knew how to hear his voice or whether I'd just been fooling myself..... I can tell you for someone whose close relationship with God had always been her anchor, her stronghold, you know, this had always been the one thing I could count on no matter what and now it was the very thing being questioned and torn apart.
Long story short, like I said earlier - I am doing much better already and am slowly, you might say day by day finding my way back to the light. It's a long and hard way and not without a few setbacks here and there but there is definitely a general direction and that is forward and onward.
And the great thing is the more I recover the more I realize that "luckily" God NEVER did let go of me! NOT FOR ONE SECOND! and that I am made of thougher stuff than I thought I was or to put it in the words of one of my favorite artists -Kevin Young, of disciple-: "you can bend, but your never gonna break me"
and even if you do break me it will not destroy me!
you know even the scripture verse for 2012 fits in with this:
love you guys,
be blessed- hanna
Inbetween I got to spent a few months at home. And once again I've come to realize that as much as I love my hometown, seeing my family, friends...- it is just not my home anymore. I have to say it feels quite strange no matter how many times I make that discovery.
I guess, what just amplifies it is that I have yet to find a new 'home'. I sometimes say "the world is my home" which I guess is true in sense and dont get me wrong I do love it! It's just that from time to time it would be nice to have a nest to fly back to... if you get my gist. And I have to say that I have developed quite an aversion to suitcases :)
Apart from that I am doing quite well actually. Piece by little piece I am learning to make peace with the fact that I don't know when I'll be able to rejoin missions - if ever. The last 16 months or so have been some of the hardest I can remember - ever since I realized that I wasn't going back to Orlando as expected and instead ended up leaving missions completely.
It really broke me and I do mean all of me. My sense of self, who I am in God, my mission & my vision, my calling & future.It even seemed to make a mockery of (my) life so far.... it made me question my identity in God, made me doubt whether I really knew him, knew how to hear his voice or whether I'd just been fooling myself..... I can tell you for someone whose close relationship with God had always been her anchor, her stronghold, you know, this had always been the one thing I could count on no matter what and now it was the very thing being questioned and torn apart.
Long story short, like I said earlier - I am doing much better already and am slowly, you might say day by day finding my way back to the light. It's a long and hard way and not without a few setbacks here and there but there is definitely a general direction and that is forward and onward.
And the great thing is the more I recover the more I realize that "luckily" God NEVER did let go of me! NOT FOR ONE SECOND! and that I am made of thougher stuff than I thought I was or to put it in the words of one of my favorite artists -Kevin Young, of disciple-: "you can bend, but your never gonna break me"
and even if you do break me it will not destroy me!
you know even the scripture verse for 2012 fits in with this:
love you guys,
be blessed- hanna
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